Love makers and Heart breakers

To You from Me - Part II

To you

I wish that I had a giant eraser to erase the hours, days, minutes, that I spent thinking of you. Although in reality it was only a few weeks I can’t help but to feel that my time would have been better spent focusing on the plans that God has laid out for my life.

Am I angry? Am I sad? I’m not really sure how I feel. I’m just numb. I feel nothing. I keep replaying your voice to my ears as you struggled to find the words to prevent my heart from hurting. Although I appreciate your honesty it doesn’t take away the sting. Perhaps I am a bit angry though. Angry that God allowed me to feel again after so long only to feel nothing again. I’m starting to question the direction that I’ve received from Him over the years. If He truly loved me, why does He continue to allow me to feel so much pain? What lesson is in all of this for me?

In a matter of seconds I was transformed back to the little girl, in that little room, in that little town trying to be somebody for everybody except the me that I was created to be. Stupid is how I feel. Dumb that I allowed myself to fall so deep, so quick for someone who obviously felt differently.

I remember the silence of the past suitors whose immaturity caused them to leave me breathless and hopeless, eyes filled with tears, and an empty heart. But you… you have left me numb. Perhaps all of the tears were wasted on those from my past because for the life of me I can’t will myself to release not a one. Even as I watched Martin speak and Oprah give a stellar performance I was unmoved, unbothered, and showed no emotion when all around me there were tear stained eyes and weeping.

Is it my fault? Should I appreciate your tactic and use it as a lesson learned and begin to transform my life into the life that I was meant to live; esthetically pleasing, submissive, and with a good heart. I’m a good person. You reminded me. Being good left me here…alone…numb.

I wish that I could go back in time to before I accepted your request to enter into my life again. I wish that I was what you wanted and that zip codes didn’t matter, but I’m not and they do.

I can’t help but to wonder if the spirits made you do all the things and say all the things that you said there where tribes once fought and for twelve years men were slaves.

Your news didn’t come by surprise, actually I expected you to make a grand announcement when we were still there above the alligators and the crawfish, and the band. I could feel it on the second day. You attributed your behavior to the lingering of the spirits, but deep down I knew the truth. I tricked myself into thinking that finally I was meeting someone who met me where I was, who didn’t expect anything else, and someone who saw the me that I didn’t see. How foolish of me.

I was blinded by the idea of a you and me or a me and you that I didn’t see what was standing right in front of me; a representative. These words aren’t meant to hurt you in any way, but to heal me. I should have known that when no plans were made past day three and the silence on your end became deafening that it was an anomaly. I can’t really express the way that I feel. I can’t find the words to say to you or to anyone about how you left me there on the corner of shoulda and woulda, but didn’t bother to pick me up for the ride. I hope that you find what you’re looking for. 

You may think that it was your conscience that led you to make that call that day while I headed north with rain all around me, but I think that it was my God. I believe in His divine order so even though I am very hurt right now my faith in Him tells me to believe that He has something better in store for me. My God is jealous and I am awfully special to Him.

I do appreciate your honesty because I am sure that it was hard for you to say the things that you said, but trust me it was harder for me to hear them. It is unfortunate that I am not where and who you want me to be. I can only be me and I can only have people around me who like me just the way that I am. I am imperfect and I am okay with that. It took me years to love me and avoid being what everyone else wanted. I was rooting for you. I was. My desire is still for you to be great and sh!+. Maybe I’ll see you around.

From me 

Love makers and Heart breakers

To you from me - Part I

To You

“Literally knock me over God” was my only request.  “I think I’m ready to love again” I said to a friend. It was as if my words sent a whisper to your ears and just like that you appeared out of nowhere.  Now here is where I almost lost my balance.  I struggle daily to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground. Knowing the errors of my past I busied myself with mundane tasks in order to avoid the thoughts of a you and me or a me and you.

I sought counsel from the source that I have known about my entire life, but only recently did HE and I develop a strong relationship.  Once there I promised not to lose myself, I promised to remain true to my goals, my values, and all of the plans already laid out for my life. I interviewed you to make sure that you weren't that measly heart-breaker rearing his ugly head again. You passed the test, but still I found myself afraid.

I want my next to be my last, so you have to understand my uncertainty.  Then there’s the subject of what we believe but cannot see.  Although in my eyes neither is greater than the other, it weighs heavy on my heart. What will our foundation be?  What will we teach our children; our beautiful children with your eye lashes and my lips?

Our lives separately are not news worthy, but combine the two and they are like a major motion picture. But I’m rooting for you still.  What if we created our own religion and called it Love?  Then we could teach our children to love every man. Our children could see how a perfect artist created an imperfect world. This religion called Love would allow you to enjoy the most beautiful part of me and after seven years I could return the favor. 

What if we could create a world where there were no titles?  You were simply you and I was me. There was no black or white, rich or poor. No fancy clothes, jobs, or cars, just two people studying and swimming in the deep in of Love. Lying in a sea of white from moon to moon with you is more fulfilling than any stroll along a beach or trip across the seas. If I add one more roman number to my skin it becomes you. The thought of your touch sends waters rushing to the most beautiful part of me.

There’s this energy, this magnetic thing that is drawing me close to you. I can’t put it into words. I just know that it’s different.  I’m spoiled. Now I will always expect to be treated as if no one else is around. Now I expect to be held like time stands still. Now I expect to be looked at as if my regular face brings new life.  You have to understand that all of these things are foreign to me.

So what do we do? 

 We could seize the moment, enjoying stolen kisses, glances filled with butterflies, and hearing the murmured beat of our hearts while our brown skin mixes to the point where I can’t tell where yours ends and mine begins. We could keep this up for ten years. They will find you lifting me up and I right by your side as our individual goals come to fruition and our names are raised above our heads showcasing the sacrifices of our mothers.  Will it matter then to what we believe?

All I know is that I want you and it scares the sh!+ out of me.  I wish I could bottle up your kisses and sip on them whenever I was thirsty for you.  I tried my best to memorize your face but all I can remember is how you made me feel there in that place where tribes once fought and for twelve years men were slaves.

 You’ve ruined me for all other men so you can either take me with you on this journey called life or drop me off at the corner of shoulda and woulda.  We can either do something or nothing at all.

But for now I’ll just wait. Wait to see what your conscience and my God suggest that we do. I’m cheering for you to be great and sh!+.  

From me

Sister

It feels so great to have a sister.
A friend to laugh you through the pain.
Such a pleasure to have a sister.
Someone to dance beside you in the rain.

No miss treatin you my sister.
No callin you out of your name.
Instead, I'll encourage you my sister.
And I know you'll do the same.

When the worries of the world get you down,
no need to fret, I'll be coming around.
To hold your hand. To wipe your tears.
To hurt my knees praying you through your fears.

We help each other, my sister we do.
To serve a larger purpose than just us two.
There is no other, my sister it's true.
That's why I treasure and care about you.

When death calls for you my sister, I'll look to your family and say,
life owes her naught, she's lived her day.


Dedicated to all the lovely ladies of AKA! #107 #J15