To you
I wish that I had a giant eraser to erase the hours, days,
minutes, that I spent thinking of you. Although in reality it was only a few
weeks I can’t help but to feel that my time would have been better spent
focusing on the plans that God has laid out for my life.
Am I angry? Am I sad? I’m not really sure how I feel. I’m
just numb. I feel nothing. I keep replaying your voice to my ears as you
struggled to find the words to prevent my heart from hurting. Although I
appreciate your honesty it doesn’t take away the sting. Perhaps I am a bit
angry though. Angry that God allowed me to feel again after so long only to
feel nothing again. I’m starting to question the direction that I’ve received
from Him over the years. If He truly loved me, why does He continue to allow me
to feel so much pain? What lesson is in all of this for me?
In a matter of seconds I was transformed back to the little
girl, in that little room, in that little town trying to be somebody for
everybody except the me that I was created to be. Stupid is how I feel. Dumb
that I allowed myself to fall so deep, so quick for someone who obviously felt
differently.
I remember the silence of the past suitors whose immaturity
caused them to leave me breathless and hopeless, eyes filled with tears, and an
empty heart. But you… you have left me numb. Perhaps all of the tears were
wasted on those from my past because for the life of me I can’t will myself to
release not a one. Even as I watched Martin speak and Oprah give a stellar
performance I was unmoved, unbothered, and showed no emotion when all around me
there were tear stained eyes and weeping.
Is it my fault? Should I appreciate your tactic and use it
as a lesson learned and begin to transform my life into the life that I was
meant to live; esthetically pleasing, submissive, and with a good heart. I’m a
good person. You reminded me. Being good left me here…alone…numb.
I wish that I could go back in time to before I accepted
your request to enter into my life again. I wish that I was what you wanted and
that zip codes didn’t matter, but I’m not and they do.
I can’t help but to wonder if the spirits made you do all
the things and say all the things that you said there where tribes once fought
and for twelve years men were slaves.
Your news didn’t come by surprise, actually I expected you
to make a grand announcement when we were still there above the alligators and
the crawfish, and the band. I could feel it on the second day. You attributed
your behavior to the lingering of the spirits, but deep down I knew the truth.
I tricked myself into thinking that finally I was meeting someone who met me
where I was, who didn’t expect anything else, and someone who saw the me that I
didn’t see. How foolish of me.
I was blinded by the idea of a you and me or a me and you
that I didn’t see what was standing right in front of me; a representative.
These words aren’t meant to hurt you in any way, but to heal me. I should have
known that when no plans were made past day three and the silence on your end
became deafening that it was an anomaly. I can’t really express the way that I
feel. I can’t find the words to say to you or to anyone about how you left me there
on the corner of shoulda and woulda, but didn’t bother to pick me up for the
ride. I hope that you find what you’re looking for.
You may think that it was your conscience that led you to
make that call that day while I headed north with rain all around me, but I
think that it was my God. I believe in His divine order so even though I am
very hurt right now my faith in Him tells me to believe that He has something
better in store for me. My God is jealous and I am awfully special to Him.
I do appreciate your honesty because I am sure that it was
hard for you to say the things that you said, but trust me it was harder for me
to hear them. It is unfortunate that I am not where and who you want me to be.
I can only be me and I can only have people around me who like me just the way
that I am. I am imperfect and I am okay with that. It took me years to love me
and avoid being what everyone else wanted. I was rooting for you. I was. My
desire is still for you to be great and sh!+. Maybe I’ll see you around.
From me
No comments:
Post a Comment